Love Talks: Long Distance Relationships

“Love Talks” is a new Coulture digital series which will cover all kinds of topics ranging from breakups to self-love and any and all things dealing with relationships. As a disclaimer, the advice provided is not professional in any way –– these articles will be written from personal opinions based on experiences. “Love Talks” will be a collaborative effort from Coulture writers featuring different perspectives, but the authors will remain anonymous. We start today with the topic of long distance relationships for our first column.

Love looks different for everyone, and relationships can change under different circumstances –– you or your partner may change as a result. If distance is the only thing driving a wedge in your relationship, I am asking that you reconsider. 

Being far away from your significant other is a difficult and overall unpleasant feeling. Apart from fleeting moments over Facetime calls and finding ways to connect through technology, there is generally no reprieve from missing that person. 

The magic of your relationship may have felt more natural in person, but takes more effort from miles away. Maybe you’ve answered the phone in a ridiculously sexy getup or attempted to mold some emblem of intimacy through text that ended up getting lost in translation. Because miscommunication and awkwardness is what makes the distance feel so bad, isn’t it? 

Right now, we are all collectively realizing how much physical touch matters. More so, being able to hold our significant others is something that cannot be replicated over text or Zoom calls. 

Currently, the pandemic poses a lot of struggles, especially within relationships. In a recent study, researchers found in a sample of nationally representative American adults that 34% reported some degree of conflict with their romantic partners because of COVID-19 and it’s restrictions. The study pointed out that since the start of the pandemic, Americans have experienced more conflict in their romantic partnerships. 

Long distance can mean that we are not always on the same page as our partner, or are not able to gauge their interest in the relationship. I vividly remember the lack of feeling after a quick nighttime phone call, and the sinking feeling in my stomach after wondering do they want to end things?

Distance has consistently been the source of discomfort and struggle in romantic relationships. In one of my favorite books “The World’s Greatest Love Letters” compiled by Michael Kelahan showing written exchanges between historical couples, there is an entire section devoted to long distance relationships.

In the long distance section, English romantic poet Percy Shelley wrote to, author of the gothic novel “Frankenstein” Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin, about the woes of being far away from her, saying, “Why are all our pleasures so short and so interrupted?” He left her grappling with why they were not together. 

To me, Shelley’s letter sounds like many texts I have sent and received while being in a long distance relationship.  By chance, one of my past relationships ended up being mostly long distance; all we talked about was seeing one another again. It started to become more about closing the distance than nurturing our relationship and connection –– our pleasures, much like Shelley’s, had become short and interrupted by distance. 

While helpful, I think those How-To-Long-Distance guides are overdone. In my experience, these things have seemed to help my long distance relationship: you can have a formal Zoom dinner, play a game over the phone, dress up like a giant lizard or learn close-up magic to really impress your partner. Other than that, I will not waste your time.

It is crucial to ask yourself whether or not you love this person even if it means distance. Or, if your love is dependent on how close they are to you. I came to the conclusion that love, after the inevitable falling and infatuation, becomes a choice for a lot of us. A choice that factors in distance, especially after the year we have all had. 

There are many reasons for a relationship ending – whether that be infidelity, lack of communication or something else – and rightfully so. If something is no longer working for you, make the decision that will best serve you and your happiness. 

If the only reason you are unhappy is that you are unable to see each other but will be able to connect in the foreseeable future, I urge you to not make any sudden decision. 

After being in a relationship that became long-distance indefinitely, I spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of loving someone. I realize now that it is a choice, not a feeling. 

I’ve had to ask myself, and encourage others to ask themselves, are we going to continue loving this person regardless of the minimal gratification we are getting over the phone? Are we going to love this person with the best of our abilities without being in the same zip code? Most importantly, are we going to love this person even if they decide they cannot do the distance, and leave?

Dating over miles feels unnatural because it is, and there is a choice of if the distance is too unbearable.

I understand wanting to see your significant other or feeling the pain of missing them. And if a relationship is not working out, for whatever reason, do as you wish. Do what serves your happiness the most.